Stop over-explaining yourself! A journal entry.

November 22, 2020, 12:52 PM

Two nights ago I read a simple sentence in my Co-Star app and a weight was lifted. "Stop explaining yourself." it said.

I had just gotten back home from a date that left me with an unpleasant feeling. I fell asleep immediately, drained from the interaction. I woke up a couple of hours later, unable to sleep through the night because my makeup was still on, feeling a lot better though. My energy was mine again. I lay there, replaying the entire encounter in my mind. I definitely overshared and I was definitely pretentious. Why?

Ever since my decision to abandon the career path I was pursuing on auto-pilot to explore the unknown, I've found myself trying to convince people to buy into the vision I so clearly see for myself. Despite being extremely content and relaxed in the position I find myself in, every time I'm asked about what I'm currently doing or how things are going I launch into a tirade, recounting what brought me to my decision and desperately trying to explain what it means when I say, "I'm just exploring right now." I've been taking every question as a judgement on my decision and mistrust in my ability to manage my life. Although this is certainly true coming from some people, it's not always the case, so why this skewed perception on my part and why this desperate need to have everyone understand what I'm doing, how, and why? Perhaps it's to provide comfort for myself. If people can see what I see, then it'll be okay. It's having exactly the opposite effect. Every time I feel "misunderstood," "judged," and "questioned", I lose just a little bit of confidence in myself.

Reading those simple words from Co-star in a dream-like state as I tried to fall back asleep was the permission I didn't know I needed to just stop. What does it matter if nobody else understands the experience I’m creating for myself as long as I do?

That easily, in mid-sleep, my burdens were released and I realized that this thinking was more of an internal battle with myself than it was with anyone else. The self-imposed pressure that had led to overthinking, over-explaining and desperation to have someone, anyone "understand" was a manifestation of lingering uncertainties I felt about myself, projected onto others in an attempt to deflect responsibility.

"They don't understand"

"They don't support me"

"They don't trust me"

"They think I'm lost"

I was letting it get out of control, take away from my power and change my personality in a way that was  becoming unattractive, even to myself. So the over-explaining ends now. Let's face it - most people don't care. The excuses I've been making to limit myself so I can outsource my failures are in my mind. Go figure.